I started the day trying to pray and clear my head of many conflicting ideas and fears, once I got up and showered things began to work in my meager brain. I drove over to see if Kallie could go to SS but that did not work out, the girls had plans. I finally decided I would bring the motorhome and enjoy my stay but that meant some very hot work, carrying things to the coach, moving it out from its parking place next to the garage, starting the frig. After awhile I decided that I had enough on board and closed the garage door. Starr was sitting on her towel and very excited about taking the trip. She loves to travel and get out of her tiny existence in the office.
The trip seemed to take forever. Once I reached San Jose and turned south on 101 I remembered Nikki's words, remember don't go down 101 due to the huge motorcycle rally in Hollister. Well it was too late to turn back but it took an extra hour getting to the place where I turned toward Watsonville.
Once I made that final turn onto 129 I think it is the air began to cool. I had left Discovery Bay with an expected temperature of over 100 today and it was a balmy perfect day when I arrived. Mia was awake and crawling on the floor but Timothy and Clayton were napping. It was great to see Jason and Jo once again and after a bit we all went our own ways for a nap. The cool breezes wafting through the motorhome made for a relaxing place to snooze. But soon Jason and Timothy were at the door asking, want to go to the beach? Well you bet.
We enjoyed meeting people and sharing some pleasant time as the breakers crashed nearby. Several v shaped flocks of Brown Pelicans flew over gliding with hardly any wing movement. They were beautiful. Eventually we headed back home and Timothy was chattering about what he had seen and was soon to do. He is a very bright boy with so much spirit and spunk. Totally fun to observe.
Jo had prepared some vegan apple crunch which along with the ice cream I had picked up on the way was heavenly.
This evening Jason and Jo dressed for their night out, celebrating their July 4th anniversary. They have texted in a few times to check on things. I made the mistake of putting Mia down too soon. She wanted none of it and cried huge tears for about 15 minutes. Finally Clayton and I picked her up, calmed her down and then she sat with us on the couch for about 45 minutes playing, smiling and finally showed signs of becoming sleepy. This time when I put her in her bed, it was instant sleep.
I'm in that frame of mind, you know the one that sames change is vacation. Its true, as I drove down I felt the levels of frustration and fear gradually melt away and life return. Oh yes there are challenges to meet for all of us in this family, we are all in a time when the things we thought were forever a few years ago are now in question. Hating change like I do and living on a level where if a door slams I jump and my heart races I seldom can say I'm at peace or enjoying life very much. However tonight here with family it feels good. Like last week when Kallie came to visit and it felt good, there was a clear purpose for going through the motions of living, for doing the right things, it helped someone. Kallie had a great time on her visit, Keanna had had a wonderful afternoon with Sylvia learning how to sew and now I'm having a relaxing and meaningful time with this part of the family. Clayton is remarkable good with the kids, he is Jo's younger brother and has lived here at times attending classes. He came back with them from Denver since his mom is in Asia right now. He has a gentle calming way with the kids that is quite unusual for a young man. I've certainly appreciated working with him this evening caring for the two little ones.
So now I'll walk the few steps to the motorhome, tuck Starr in for the night and sleep alone once again. For those of you not sleeping alone, I really hope you appreciate having someone near. Its not just sex though that is good but even more so is having someone near who is your someone, its you and that person against the world, a coconspirator, a partner, a friend, someone to watch your back, to give you advice, feedback, to affirm your worth.
At this point I don't know whether I would be wise to just accept the fact that I'm destined to be alone for ever or to hold out hope that somewhere, sometime I'll find a person who can love me, put up with me, retrain me, can walk hand in hand with me and experience the love and attention I have to given. Perhaps time will tell.
Sending love to all, happy holiday
Tim
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