The coughing is back and its taking me down a bit. This evening was spent with tolerant friends but I hacked the whole time and then on the way home it got worse. Not sure what is going on but I don't like it much.
Ken and I froze this morning on our 3 mile walk. He looked like he was dressed for winter when he came out but I quickly envied him as we walked into the wintry blast. Once we turned the half way corner then it was better, the wind was behind us. Wow was it cold, I don't think it helped my cough at all but I know the walk is good for moral, my heart, lungs etc.
8:30 found me parking at the soccer field at Streets of Brentwood, a relatively new upscale shopping center along the Brentwood Bypass. Keanna played her little heart out, she made many saves as goalie and kept telling me she was not cold, well Papa sure was cold watching and yelling from the sidelines. After the game was over we regrouped and ended up heading to Tracy to Olive Garden for lunch. Oh was it ever good. Right now they have the endless pasta bowl special going. For $8.95 you get as much pasta as you can eat. I get the whole wheat linguine with 5 cheese topping, wow it was great and along with the salad and nice cold lemon water it was a feast. Kallie and Keanna enjoyed coloring in their little children's menus. Once lunch was over and Nikki drove us all back I came home and took a long nap. My mind is so troubled that I would sleep and then wake with unease, fall back asleep and then wake with troubled thoughts again. Sometimes I just think, I'm so ready to be happy again, to be a peace, to know things are moving well but at the moment I'm sure far from that point.
I get a daily update from the Liferaft Web Site, a site dedicated to GIST and those battling it. As I read the messages from people in the midst of the battle against tumor growth, finding the right drug, the right doctor I am so reminded of our hundreds of mini battles over the same things these living patients face. I just want to cry out to them, enjoy the time you have, get the best medical care you can find no matter what the cost, it might buy you a couple more years to see your little kiddos born or start to walk. I think we did it right, we put all our resources into the fight, we never stopped to count the cost if there was a chance something or someone could help in our battle for life. I deal with the results of those battles now but I'm not sorry. If I end up on the street and drive a wreck it was still worth it. Nan put her all into our family, our life together, she never held back, she went all out, then we did the same as a team in searching for medical answers to the ever returning tumors. How can you ever hold back when your going flat out means more time to live? You just can't. What I don't understand at this point is what is God up to now, how is he leading or have I done something that prevents Him from being involved anymore. I certainly identify with Job, where do I go from here? What do I do, What do I quit doing? What doors do I need to knock on to find a solution, to discover answers. I'm not throwing in the towel but I'm sure uncertain re: God's involvement at the present time.
Sometimes well meaning people suggest how I can reduce my life to zero it seems, dump this, sell that, give up on this and advice is fairly easy to give when YOU ARE NOT LIVING IT. I love having friends give suggestions and support, I just don't always know how to apply what is being said. One piece of advice that seems to resonate in my brain, borders! Taking in guests for money, now that seems like an idea I could live with. I live in this fairly sizable house with two empty bedrooms, one nice bathroom, plenty of living area for more than one old guy, I'm going to look into that immediately. Now I'm not sure how to set a price, a monthly rent yet. Secondly I'm going to proceed with getting the motor home cleaned up and working well, so I can either rent it or sell it and I know I need to fix the boat engine so it will work. If and when I sell the boat it will be worth much more if it runs. These are things I can do.
I welcome your feed back, my email address is discoapp@comcast.net or timmustard@yahoo.com. Let me hear your ideas, I'm not giving up this ship without a very big fight!
love
tim
ps photo is the one I am using on E Harmony. Thanks Mary for taking the photo.
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