Struggling to keep it positive

Dear Family and Friends,
I am always amazed when I hear from someone new who is a reader and who shares my journey.  My first thought is should I be watering down what I say or attempt to swing it over to a positive rag only reporting good news, I'm sure that would be more helpful to at least some of my readers.  Yet I've spent so much of my life saying what I thought people wanted to hear me say, basically people pleasing that as of late I'm sort of reacting to that way of communication and trying to be more authentic, sometimes that means the result is a big gritty and even border line shocking.
This journey I'm on is one I would never have chosen and one I often dislike.  I don't enjoy my own company that much, I like to invest in other people's happiness, to reassure people about their contributions to life.  Yet here I am talking to the dogs and they seem to often just agree to get me off their back.  Talk about people pleasers, Starr and Lady are masters at it.
This morning after Ken and I froze our way through the three miles I came back to warm up with a cup of Mocha, shower and started the day at my desk.  We have changed our course now so we end up walking through the park, that is our moment of nature and it is a nice change from pavement and dodging women drivers who seem to want to clip our rear pockets from time to time.
I started my work day by driving over the Mountain House to confirm that new appliances had been installed in a condo.  They were there but the highlight of that trip was a nice long talk with a very good friend.  That call kept me laughing and was a very positive beginning to the work day.
Its a good think I didn't wait for money in the mail or orders over the fax or Internet.  Neither happened all day.  I actually spent the entire day writing an appraisal for the little house located in Marin county.  I ended up with 6 closed sales and 3 current listings, a very complete appraisal.  I just hope it helps the buyer get into the house.
This evening I suddenly decided that I needed to go get my meds so that meant a trip to Brentwood.  While there I feasted at Taco Bell and then took a brief trip through Food Max for fruit, corn, salad and soy milk. Once I was on the road a phone call to Jerry provided a touch with family in the same manner as a call from Nikki earlier in the day had accomplished.  She often calls on her way home from her work with the Department of Energy.
I sometimes feel as if life had just passed me by like I arrived at the station and the train had already left.  There are rare moments with the kids and the kiddos that awaken a love of life again.  I must say the E Harmony so far has been a colossal waste of money and I'm close to ending it.  They keep providing me with contacts for people in LA, Redding etc.  That is not helpful at all.
Tomorrow marks a big decision day, do I take all my available money and pay the house payment or not?  I'm inclined to pay it and trust that something else will develop.  The hits just seem to keep on coming, today Blue Cross informed me of the new monthly fees which start the first of October, $1035 a month.
So to those faithful family and friends who just keep on reaching out I say thank you.  Your words and actions are like a life line right now and I do appreciate the help.

Love

tim